Foodie Fiasco

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When It Happens to You

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Hi friends.

I hate coming back here with my tail between my legs. I feel like I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I know I haven’t been posting recently, so I wanted to shed some light on the situation.

You never think you’re going to be the person who leaves. There’s always that someone, discussed in whispered questions and theories, who stops what they’re doing without an explanation. They drop out of school, quit their job, leave the group, or stop showing up to where they’ve always been. Eyebrows are raised, people talk, but then life moves on and we move with it.

But what happens to the ones who leave? Are they lost? Are they missed?

I’m a senior at one of the top five high schools in the county. I work late nights, early mornings, and I’ve loved every minute of it. I’ve made the best friends, I have phenomenal teachers, and I’m on track to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to a top rated school (which I’ll call Bob University for the sake of this post).

Is this what it’s like for everyone? No. Do people drop out? Sure. Sure, it’s challenging to manage all the extra essays and ACT prep on top of four AP classes while running a food blog and being an opera singer. But I can do it! I’m going to Bob University!

Someone won’t show up for a few days, then a few weeks. Rumors begin quietly, ranging from strange to ridiculous, but fade out as unceremoniously as their subject. Maybe it’s because this wasn’t for them. Maybe it’s because they couldn’t handle it and were tired of sticking it out in some place they don’t belong. But I can handle it. I’m going to Bob University.

This unraveled quickly.

I started off my senior year strong, making it a whole day without getting sick. I spent the next eight days in bed with a high fever, mummified in a pile of blankets as I hunched over my calculus textbook, blinking through my fevered watery eyes to see the problems. My hands trembled so my numbers were shaky at best, but I would do whatever it took to keep up.

About a week into my fever, my mother went to a doctor’s appointment at about 7pm. She was diagnosed with stage II breast cancer when I was 13, and was given a 95% chance of a cure. She was re-diagnosed as stage IV when I was 15 when it metastasized to a bone at the base of her spine.

I was feeling better, so I cheerfully insisted she shouldn’t worry about me. I’d make dinner while she was gone, like I do everyday, and we’d eat when she came back. She’s given me so much. We have no family nearby, and she’s my everything. I’m happy I have the opportunity to give back to her, and I have no basis to resent being a caregiver because I’ve never known anything else.

My fever skyrocketed while she was gone, and I somehow lost consciousness on my bedroom floor. When I came to, my mother was nervously standing over me.

She was clearly panicked and, seeing that I was alright, had no qualms about expressing it. I made a pointless quip about her not being there when I was sick, when I needed her, and then the arguing started.

She told me to wait there, and returned with a pastel colored box. She pulled out papers with a familiar format. Blood tests. Pet scan results. She said she was going to wait until after college apps, but that it’s better if I knew now.

They found more tumors.
Thankfully small, but devastatingly real. One in her hip, one in a lymph node in her neck. I collapsed into a weepy heap on my bed, and really haven’t gotten up since.

My immediate reaction was the overwhelming guilt of my selfishness. Of course I couldn’t expect her to take care of me. I couldn’t handle being sick for one week, but what if my mom feels like this all the time? How does she constantly handle so much pain? How has she been so brave?

After the guilt subsided, I knew I had to take action. I couldn’t leave my mother. I would just stay in California or only go to college where I know she could come with me and have world class healthcare.

The future used to be so bright. I used to have such a clear idea of where I would be and what I wanted to do, but my perspective has changed so radically in the span of only a month. When I think of the future, my hope is now replaced by an empty dread. The brightness of my accomplishments, what I’ve counted on all my life, is gone. I wouldn’t say it’s completely dark, but it’s hazy.

I’ve had to face the improbability of going to Bob University. I’ve seen the campus and it’s stunning. I’ve met the students and they’re phenomenal. I’ve studied the curriculum and it’s perfect for me. It’s my dream, and I’ve worked my whole life for it. But it’s so uncertain, just like everything else.

This month has been unbearably painful. Pain that I’ve faced in long dark nights. Pain that’s forced me to face a possibility that I’ve conspicuously, deliberately ignored since I was thirteen. Words that I would never consider let alone say or type. Three words that now daunt my days and haunt my nights and burn in my chest all the time, sometimes quietly, sometimes unbearably, but always there. She could die. The question is when.

Everyone has a guardian angel, my mother says on dark days. But you have two, she says. Because you’re extra special, Kelly. And I love you so much.

And then I cry. Because I’m so utterly crushed by the unfairness of it all. How something so horrible could happen to a woman so extraordinary in every way. Who I love more than I love myself. How I desperately want to move every mountain in sight so I can help her, but realize how limited I am. So I stopped what I was doing. I took a little time off from everything, coping with this news along with the fact that I’d inevitably hit the wall.

So there I was, the someone who left without an explanation. And I never thought it would happen to me. But I’m back now, and I’ve learned to appreciate every day.

There are bad days. There are really bad days. But there are also good days, and there are more of them as time goes on. I’m so grateful to have the most incredible people in my life (friends, teachers, and most importantly my mom) who have been nothing short of amazing.

But my biggest regret out of this time is how I’ve handled Foodie Fiasco. I had such high hopes, and no one is more disappointed than me that they couldn’t come though. Or at least right now.

This blog, these opportunities, YOU guys have been such a source of joy in my life. I cannot come close to expressing my gratitude to you. Just for being here. Just for finding this corner of the world and staying for a bit. For making this a community. I love you all from the very bottom of my heart.

And I love this blog. So naturally I would like to say that we’ll be back next week. Better than ever. Posting my signature love-filled but crazy time intensive recipes, responding to everyone’s comments and emails immediately, filing taxes correctly (okay maybe this one is a bit of a stretch). But I’m done making public goals I can’t keep.

I’m in no place to make any promises about where I’ll be tomorrow, let alone next month or year. Sharing my most beloved recipes with you brings me too much joy to leave behind, so I’ll pop in here and there. No contributors. Just me.

And there is more good news! My extraordinarily talented, kind, hard-working, beautiful friend Christine is now running Foodie Fiasco’s new sister site, Fiasco Flair. Christine is creating posts with stunning photography and really helpful fashion advice.

I could not be more proud of this, so it would mean the world if you checked it out. Flair will remain active and I’ll definitely show up there from time to time.

If I’ve learned something from this, it’s the power of friendship and community. I would never get through this without my loved ones. If I know you in the real world, I want to thank you for being a positive influence in my life. Even if I don’t know you offline, you have my eternal gratitude for being here and for being a member of this community. Please know I’m here if you need a friend/shoulder, so always always always feel free to email me at kelly@foodiefiasco.com. I’m grateful that others have done the same for me.

The whisk, the camera, and the dream live on.

 

All my love,

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Comments

  1. Kelly, you are extraordinary. You don't need Bob University to set you apart. You are such a brave, honest, and beautiful soul, and I'm honored to be your friend.
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  2. Hi Kelly, I just want to share my gratitude. I can't believe how brave you are to tell your story and you have no reason to apologize at all. As a high school student myself, it is mind-boggling how you've been able to maintain such a popular blog that has inspired thousands of hungry, healthy, humans. Between calc exams, sports, clubs, and friends, there isn't time for much else. I have been an avid reader of your blog for two years, and your recipes have never failed me yet. As an (aspiring) vegan who has struggled with weight in the past, I can't tell you how many times your crepes or muffins or brownies saved me from major cravings. I'm not the best chef, but your recipes are simple enough for amateur chefs like me. This is such a long comment, but I also have a VERY close relative who has breast cancer. It was so devastating to hear, and it's super tempting to think your own problems are trifle compared to theirs. But in reality, everyone has their own battle to face. I found that the best thing to do for the person is to care for them, but not go so far to emphasize the fact that they aren't exactly "normal" anymore. I think, if 'Bob University' is perfect for you, that you should go. Your mom probably knows that it is your dream school, and she would hate to see you holding back for her. She would regret it for a long time and maybe feel depressed and disappointed in herself, which you 100% don't want. Just hopefully, that school isn't in another country :) Good luck Kelly with all of your college apps and cooking endeavors! If you ever post again, I will be sure to read them and try your recipes! Love, Ella
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  4. I'm so so sorry to hear about all of this, Kelly!! You're unbelievably strong and brave for posting this! Family and school should always come first, don't feel guilty for putting the blog on the back burner, it's not your full time job and some things are way more important! If you ever need a friend to talk to, I'm only an email away :) Take care of yourself and you & your mum are in my thoughts xx
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  5. I'm so sorry to hear about what you and your mom are going through. Please know that this blog, while I love it, definitely doesn't need to be high priority. You have so many more important things to do. I have a college-aged daughter and I would definitely want her to continue the path she started and worked so hard for. I wish you both continued health.
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  6. It's really courageous of you to have shared this story Kelly. I can't imagine how much you must have been through in the last few years, but I assure you that your whimsical charm always comes through on your blog, which is why I always come back for your new posts. But take your time yeah, patience is a virtue I'm trying to work on anyway. I wish you and your mum the best health in the world. ;) xx
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  7. Kelly, This was beautifully written. I cannot even fathom the pain that you are in, but I so deeply admire your strength. I wish your mom and you the best of health and hope to see you around the blog soon!
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    • Hi Kelly, I am one of the luckiest ones here because I know you offline as well. I have always been proud of you and all your talents and accomplishments, but never more so than now. You and your mother have been in my prayers for quite a while but especially in these last few days which I know have been even somewhat more difficult than usual. I always knew that you had this confidence, eloquence, and strength. You have always had this big heart that you shared so openly in this deeply personal message and I know how well you have faced these challenges. One of the things that I always liked best about your blog was that it never failed to make me happy. It conveys this infectious joie de vivre and sans souci attitude that combines so well with your display of sang froid in real life. (Those are all the French phrases that I know. Smile.) Making people happy is one of the best things we are able to do and your website has always done that for me. Never underestimate the importance of making others happy. You have created a wonderful community here and we are all pulling for you in these difficult times. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxF-FeOCxlg
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    • Hey Kelly, I am among the luckiest ones here because I know you offline as well. I have always been proud of you and your many talents and accomplishments, but never more so than now. You always had the strength and the eloquence that you revealed in this note and I know how well that you have faced the challenges that confronted you. You and your Mom have long been in my thoughts and prayers but especially so in these most recent difficult days. What I liked best about Foodie Fiasco is that it always made me happy. It has that infectious joie de vivre and sans souci attitude that pairs so well with the sang froid you display in your everyday life. (Those are all the French phrases that I know ... smile.) Never underestimate how important it is to make others happy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxF-FeOCxlg -Brian
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  8. Let me begin by saying I just came across this blog last night while googling "Cream of Tomato Soup". Sounded interesting, so I made a big pot this afternoon ...DELICIOUS ! So I sat down right now to check out this girl's other recipes and contributions. Found some I will be trying , then I came across this blog... It hit like a sledgehammer . My dear, sweet girl I want to wrap you up and make it all go away. Your mother and you will be in my thoughts. You never know where life will take you, but one thing I am certain of that you are a shining star and you deserve the best. All blessings sent to you. I am so sorry. fran
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  9. I'm extremely sorry to hear what you're going through. It must be a horribly difficult, trying time... I can hear how close you must be with your mother, and I can only imagine what this has been like for you. Good to continue to document and articulate your emotional experience. Sending anonymous support your way.
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  11. Iv always loved reading your blog posts and trying out your recipes (if any of my friends ask what i eat as dessert as a vegan, i point them to your website!) You shouldnt feel guilty at all about not being present online at this difficult time, as much as an awesome site this is, theres more important things in life and looking after yourself aswell is a very important one of them! I hope things start to get easier for you and wish you lots of success in studying, remember college can always wait a year or two :) Many warm wishes from Germany Daisy
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  12. First off, thank you or being so amazing. Second, there are some natural ways to tackle cancer There's this man who had to flee from the states because he was curing people with marijuana oil, and because he helped expose the pharmaceutical companies and how they want people to stay sick. I cant remember the exact website, it'll probably show up if you search Cure your Own cancer dot org . I remember looking at it for a friend of a family member who was diagnosed. Best of luck with everything.
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  13. Hi Kelly, You are doing your best and know that we don't expect you to put your blog over your private life. You need to think about yourself and just put other things second. you have been an enormous inspiration for me. I hope you are well. you have my prayers girl!
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  14. Hi Kelly! So good to see your post in my email inbox again! Please know that there are prayers going on out here for you and your mom... for strength to see you through even your darkest of days. We are out here.. and we will keep praying for you both. I am 53 and have been through many many tough times and tragedies during my life so far..and I can tell you that ..you WILL get through it ALL... I promise. It may not always seem like it at the time, but you WILL!! The thing to remember is that its not on the timetable that we always wish it to be.. sometime we just need to hold on tight and wait for the storms to pass...they always do..and the rainbows always come...eventually. Keep holding on for your rainbows Kelly..they are coming!! and don't ever think ANY goodbyes are permanent... I know I surely don't!! You are so bright and talented... dont say goodbye... just do the best you can, when you can. Just remember...we are all out here rooting and praying for ya!!!!! Love and Hugs! Lori from Pittsburgh
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  15. Kelly, thank you so much for being honest. Nothing is more important than family, and I pray for both you and your mum's health. What you're going through is beyond hard, nobody has to confirm it for you...but you have been so strong and you deserve the understanding that comes with situations like this. Take all the time off you need, we'll be fine, and take care of yourself!! - Abbie
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  16. I just prayed that you and your mother would have the strength you need through this time. Your mother is ever so much more important than your blog. You can always come back and pick up the blog where you left off and people will understand. You may not have that opportunity with your mother. Cherish every day as a gift from God. As a fellow young food blogger with high hopes and dreams, I know how it pulls to make everything work out just how you want it with the blog so you'll have something to build on in the future, but honestly, family trumps all. I think you know that, and I support you wholeheartedly! <3 Hang in there! ((hugs))
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  17. Kelly, This above all: to thine ownself be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. Farewell: my blessing season this in thee! ~~ Lord Polonius (Shakespeare's 'Hamlet') None of us here is worried about how long it will take for you to return to Foodie Fiasco, sweetie. This is not about us. This is about you and your mother. We want you both to take all the time that is needed. Never compromise yourself for the sake of others. And - No apologies! Remember: Love is never having to say you're sorry. But then you already knew that, didn't you? :0) May God Bless you both, Chelle
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  18. Sweet Girl, I am so sorry that all of this is happening to you. I love your honesty, and I will be waiting when you are able to post more of your delicious recipes. I will keep your family in my prayers. Life is a crazy wonderful terrible great awful thing, and you will do great things.
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  19. Dear Kelly, I found your website 2 years ago (during an attempt to stave off the cravings), and I remember thinking "This is a brilliantly smart and talented girl." And I'm reminded of that as I read through this post. You are wise and mature far past your age, and you are one of those rare people who is a giver. I'm sure I speak for everyone here - our thoughts and hearts are with you and your mum. As you said, there are ups and downs in the tides of life, but as long as you can make it through the downs, you've got a whole part of life figured out. Keep doing you, because you're wonderful, and I'm sure your mum is so proud of you. Stay strong, Aria
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  20. Kelly..I have been following you for several years now. I think you are an amazing young woman and I admire you greatly. How is your mother doing these days? I hope to hear good news. Take good care of YOU..you are important to all of us who care about you and your mom.
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  21. Hello Kelly, I've just rediscovered your blog (once again!) and seen this beautiful post, I know I'm a bit late!. Your story reads crazily similar to mine - my Mum developed all the same stages of cancer at varying times starting when I was 11 and I too struggled (and still do) with my disordered eating after loosing weight the first time. I just wanted to say - allow your self the time - give yourself a break - life (I found anyway ) is about the moments , the friendships and the relationships above anything else. I was on track to go to Oxford University when I left school but at some point I realized that it can all wait , I left school at 16 and cried for weeks straight before I told anyone about the disappointment I was about to become but once I said it I relaxed. I left and gave myself the time to be there for people , experience things and give myself a break. The last few years for me had been insane and I was always striving for the next thing but at the end of the day what we remember and what other people remember of us are the laughs we had with people , the birthday parties we went to , the trips to the cinema when we stacked it with a whole box of popcorn and nearly wet ourselves laughing , the fact that we were there , not always the career achievements we've made. Your doing a wonderful job , keep going , time is time and in a few years the C you got on your paper or the opportunity you think you missed wont mean a thing and you'll be chuffed you spent 2 days doing nothing but eating your wonderful recipes and watching Netflix with your Mum in pajamas instead. Trust yourself + breathe. Katie x
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